Being your Best Self

How to Communicate Boundaries

It's common wisdom that effectively managing your emotions is critical for being your best everyday.  However, despite this, it's easy to let our feelings get the better of us, as happened earlier this week when I found myself getting frustrated with my son's interruptions.

He was asking for input on a project and I wanted to help, but also wanted to complete a task I was working on. As a result, I allowed the interruption but didn't give it my full attention.  My frustration built and transferred to him.

Once I noticed this, I put a pause on the questioning and explained I had something to finish off and would be better placed to help him after that.  His response?  

"You should have just said so".

Absolutely!  I hadn't communicated my boundaries around interruptions in case I offended him. In reality, however all I did was create a bigger upset.

Proactively communicating boundaries saves a lot of emotional angst.  It helps you stay centred and be at your best more often.  When others know your preferences, it becomes much easier for them to approach you in a way that works  - it's a win-win situation.

Why do we avoid communicating boundaries?

Communicating boundaries makes good sense however we often don't do it. The reasons include being afraid of offending someone, thinking it won't make a difference and simply not thinking of it. 

We may have grown up in environments where we didn't learn concepts like boundary setting and as a result, adopted the mistaken belief that abandoning our own needs in an effort to keep other people happy is how we create better relationships.

However the opposite is true. 

According to Dr Nicole LePera, author of How to do the Work, boundaries - the standards you set for yourself that have you feel safe, physically balanced and protected - are essential for authentic self expression.  When boundaries are clear you give yourself the freedom to more comfortably and simply, be yourself. This in turn creates more authentic connections with others, meaning you, and your relationships, get better.

How do you set boundaries?

According to LePera, self reflection is the key for setting personal boundaries. Using your emotions as a signal is a useful place to start. 

For example, be aware of when you start to feel uncomfortable, feel frustrated or find yourself getting angry.  Reflect on why this is happening and consider if it's related to your personal preferences or standards.  Is there something you could have communicated about how you like to be treated, approached, or spoken to that would have helped avoid this?

It can be useful to think about boundaries in the areas of physical (space and appearance), mental/emotional (complaints and language) and resource related (time and money). Keep reflecting and jotting down notes until your boundaries are clear. 

Communicating boundaries

Once you have clarified your boundaries, the next step is communicating them.  For me, this is the uncomfortable bit!  As a result, I created a video that you can find here that runs through 10 considerations that may be useful.

The key points include making time with the relevant person to do this, communicating in a way that is clear and indicates to the other person that this is important for you, and being prepared to be flexible.

Overall, connecting to yourself to understand your preferences and taking a stand for yourself by developing and communicating boundaries is how you put your best self forward everyday. It's also how you make life better for those around you.