When Nice Is Nasty
Hiding and hindering by holding back
Are you a nice person? Were you taught to use your manners, be polite, wait your turn and follow the rules?
This is useful advice as being 'nice' has many benefits.
People feel comfortable hanging out with you, you're reliable, fit in and feel safe to be around. You don't rock the boat, stand out, demand attention or ask uncomfortable questions.
When society is filled with nice people it's more predictable, amicable, organised and efficient.
However, like many things, too much 'nice-ness' presents it's own challenges. Giving in too much, too often at the expense of your own thoughts, needs and beliefs creates a separation between what you really think, and what you actually say.
By encouraging nice-ness, over self-connection, it becomes harder to listen to yourself, trust yourself, and to speak your truth.
In their book The Nice Factor, authors Robin Chandler and Ellen Gryzb highlight some of the issues. They say that while it's useful to be accomodating, pleasant and agreeable, sinking too far into the depths of nice-ness leads to unspoken frustration, low-level depression and a real sense of dis-content.
You avoid saying what needs to be said for fear of rocking the boat, standing out and sitting with feelings of discomfort.
Being too nice for too long can also lead to faulty beliefs around choice. You may start believing 'that's just the way I am and there's nothing I can do about it.' As a result, you can become 'doormatable' - consistently walked over by the people around you.
Being 'doormatable' is not an ideal starting point for the path that leads to your best life.
Becoming less nice can be more helpful.
If you...
Find it hard to say 'no'
Ask for permission when you don't need to e.g. 'is it ok if I ask a question?'
Find it hard to make decisions
Avoid conflict at all costs
Apologise when you haven't done anything wrong
Make excuses for other people's bad behaviours
Feel guilty when you ask for something you want
Let it go when others say something that hurts you
...then it may be useful to practise being less nice. You may like to try:
Not accepting every invitation
Speaking up in the moment
Creating and communicating your boundaries (start with something small and share it with someone you trust)
Letting people know how you feel
Deciding how you want to spend your time - without seeking others input
Speaking up without asking permission
Replacing apologetic language with more direct words and phrases
Recognising excessively nice behaviour and setting yourself free from hiding and holding back will help you begin the shift from 'doormatable' to 'unstoppable'!