The Kindness Key
I was excited recently to come across the work of Dr Kristin Neff, a world renowned expert in the area of self compassion.
In a talk she gave in 2013 (which you can find here) Dr Neff makes an important distinction between self compassion and self esteem - one that is highly relevant when it comes to speaking up and effectively managing the voice in your head.
In her talk, Dr Neff highlights that self compassion may be much more important than self esteem when it comes to being your best self. She says that although self esteem is a positive judgement about your self worth, it is often gained by comparing yourself to others or to some sort of societal or cultural standard.
Self esteem can be boosted and retained by thinking of yourself as being better than, more superior than, smarter than...and so on.
What this means is that maintaining a high sense of self esteem can become reliant on forces outside of yourself. It also means that if you fail, your self esteem can take a nose dive, increasing the risk you'll be riding an emotional roller coaster.
Self compassion on the other hand is not based on external forces but is more fully under your own self control.
According to Dr Neff, self compassion is not a way of judging yourself positively but rather, is a way of relating to yourself kindly.
Practising self compassion as a way of giving yourself a strong platform from which to speak up, to share your thoughts and ideas, independently of the circumstances, relies on the following 3 key elements:
Self kindness - treating yourself as you would a good friend. Instead of self criticism, practise being understanding, empathetic and encouraging toward yourself.
Common humanity - where self esteem asks "how am I different to others?", self compassion asks "how am I the same as others?" By recognisiing that all humans are imperfect it brings you closer to others, rather than thinking you are somehow separate and different.
Mindfulness - sometimes negative self talk can be so much a part of the way you communicate with yourself that you're not even aware of it. Start noticing the way you speak to yourself then give yourself the compassion you need. Only when you are aware of your self talk can you make in-roads to change it.
Speaking to yourself kindly creates the internal conditions that support you to speak up with confidence. When you speak to yourself in the same way you would speak to your best friend, it not only provides room for errors, it also provides room for encouragement.
Instead of 'beating yourself up' or even 'talking yourself up' try simply accepting and encouraging yourself for the amazing human being that you already are.
Carry on...with kindness.